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they want a doll, so i am one.


lately i've been disgusted with myself because i don't meet
someone else's idea of who i should be.
i think most trans people can resonate with that feeling.

i've been trans for about four years now, on estrogen
for nearly two of those, and i've identified a dozen
different ways over the years. however, since i've started
presenting as a trans woman, my gender expression has stagnated.

i always wanted to be a binary trans woman, and so that is
how i present, but after nearly two years of that, the
performance that is my gender identity has come to feel
more like a woman-shaped thing that i pilot or puppet
than being a typical woman. i've come to feel like a literal
version of the term "doll" that i so am often called.

i imagine my feeling this way has something to do with the
constant objectification and sexualization of trans woman,
leading me to feel like an object or thing instead of a person.
it absolutely has to do with the dehumanizing scrutiny we face
at the hands of transphobes that forces me to present as a binary
woman in hopes of being accepted, when that isn't really me.

i hate the thing i see in the mirror because i am constantly
trying to present as a binary woman, as close to a cis woman
as i can be, in hopes that i'll meet the ever-moving goalposts
that have been set for trans women with the promise that if
we reach them we will eventually be accepted and valid.
but i am not a binary woman, and so it feels hollow.

in a perfect world i would probably use she/they or she/it.
those labels resonate more with how i see myself and my
general philosophy of what it means to be me, and to be human.
i would be comfortable with my face because i would not be
trying to meet a stranger's expectations of "real" womanhood.
i would just be myself, and i would be content with that.

but, i know that the second i stop identifying as binary, so many
people would instantly cease to see and refer to me as a woman.
the second i don't match that amorphous stranger's idea of
womanhood, i am not as worthy of respect. plenty of people
would feel they are able to degender me with the plausible deniability
that they're just trying to respect my silly little pronouns.
in the eyes of many, i am no longer someone trying to be a woman,
but someone content in their failing to be a real woman. i am fake.

i will continue to wear the mask of a binary trans woman.
i will continue to try to meet ever-moving, ever-changing goalposts,
in hopes that doing so will eventually allow me to live a regular life.
i'm envious of those with the confidence to present however they feel
defines them, but i am not there yet. for now, at least, i will conform.
maybe one day, once i am in a place where i can presesnt in a way that
makes me more comfortable without facing massive social repercussions,
i will be more true to myself, but today is not that day.

they want a doll, so i am one.

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you can find me on
twitter, instagram, and li█ch█t
you can also reach me at
mothinfested@gmail.com

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