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they want a doll, so i am one.


lately i've been disgusted with myself because
i don't meet someone else's idea of who i should be.
i think most trans people can resonate with that feeling.

i've been trans for about four years now, on estrogen
for nearly two of those, and i've identified a dozen
different ways over the years. however, since i've
started presenting as a trans woman, my gender
expression has stagnated.

i always wanted to be a binary trans woman, and so
that is how i present, but after nearly two years
of that, the performance that is my gender identity
has come to feel more like a woman-shaped thing
that i pilot or puppet than simply being a woman.
i've come to feel like a literal version of the term
"doll" that i so am often called.

i imagine my feeling this way has something to do
with the constant objectification and sexualization of
trans woman, leading me to feel like an object or thing
instead of a person. it absolutely has to do with the
dehumanizing scrutiny we face at the hands of
transphobes that forces me to present as a binary
woman in hopes of being accepted, when that isn't really me.

i hate the thing i see in the mirror because i am
constantly trying to present as a binary woman, as
close to a cis woman as i can be, in hopes that i'll
meet the ever-moving goalposts that have been set for
trans women with the promise that if we reach them we
will eventually be accepted and valid. but i am not a
binary woman, and so it feels hollow.

in a perfect world i would probably use she/they or
she/it. those labels resonate more with how i see myself
and my general philosophy of what it means to be me,
and to be human. i would be comfortable with my face
because i would not be trying to meet a stranger's
expectations of "real" womanhood. i would just be
myself, and i would be content with that.

but, i know that the second i stop identifying as binary,
so many people would instantly cease to see and refer
to me as a woman. the second i don't match that
amorphous stranger's idea of womanhood, i am not as
worthy of respect. plenty of people would feel they are
able to degender me with the plausible deniability that
they're just trying to respect my silly little pronouns.
in the eyes of many, i am no longer someone trying to
be a woman, but someone content in their failing to be
a woman. i am fake.

i will continue to wear the mask of a binary trans
woman. i will continue to try to meet ever-moving,
ever-changing goalposts, in hopes that doing so will
eventually allow me to live a regular life. i'm envious
of those with the confidence to present however they
feel defines them, but i am not there yet. for now, at
least, i will conform. maybe one day, once i am in a
place where i can presesnt in a way that makes me
more comfortable without facing massive social
repercussions, i will be more true to myself,
but today is not that day.

they want a doll, so i am one.

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you can find me on
twitter, instagram, and li█ch█t
you can also reach me at
mothinfested@gmail.com

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