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11/19/25 - trans stuff
things change. i forget that sometimes. i've been listening to this same song for years,
since before i transitioned i think - but i am a completely different person now.

i didn't meet a trans woman until adulthood. i so wish there had been one there for me
when i was younger, to recognize that i was repressing and grab me by the shoulders and
tell me how fucking awful my life would be until i started transitioning.
or really, if i had even known one, just someone to show me it was even possible,
i would have decided to transition on my own.

i often think about a moment when i was thirteen or fourteen - one of my distant
relatives was transitioning, and ad started growing out a beard. i asked my parents
"how are they growing a beard if they were born a woman?" and my parents told me
they were taking hormones. i then thought, "if you can take testosterone and
become masculine, couldn't you do the opposite with estrogen?" i told myself that
when i got home i would look it up, and see if it was possible.

there were hours left in our drive, hours that i would spend thinking about
every possible way it could go wrong. i mostly thought about how other kids my age
would treat me if i started transitioning. i was already harassed in school for
being weird and emo and bisexual, and i'd seen how trans people were treated.
i was already suicidal at that age, and i knew i couldn't handle any more pain.

i didn't end up looking it up when i got home. i pushed it deep down inside me,
so deep that i barely thought about being trans for years. every time a feeling
would arise, i'd tell myself "no," and eventually the feelings stopped appearing.
i still wished i had been born a woman, but i stopped making the connection that my
gender was something i could change. it still hurt, though. that never left.

like i said before, i think about that moment a lot. that was the moment
i first considered transitioning, and subsequently repressed that thought
for years. but, what would have happened if i had transitioned? life only
got worse from there, i could've tolerated the harassment, i could've started
hormones so early, started learning to be the woman i am so early, i could
have ended up so beautiful compared to how gross i feel about myself now
at age twenty after two years on hrt. i could have been so much happier.

but that didn't happen, did it?
this is my life. i am who i am who i am, i can't do anything about that now
except keep pushing forward. i'll love myself someday, right? eventually, my
body and face will be a body and face i am proud to call my own.

i'll get there someday.

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11/12/25 - lizchat
i finished lizchat today.

back in my junior year of highschool, i saw my reflection in the water beneath
a bridge i frequented during our lunch period. distorted by the lily pads and
the rippling water, for a moment, my reflection looked like a woman.
it made me so happy for a moment, and then that moment passed. it was me again.

when i got back to class, i wrote a poem about that experience. in that poem,
i mourned the woman i would never become. i wrote her as dead beneath the water,
forever seperate from me, unreachable, unattainable.

i made a website with that poem on it. who knew that years later, a woman myself,
i would come back to that website and turn it into a story.

i worry about how the story will be received. i think one or two people have mistaken
it for a real memorium to a dead lover already, clearly they didn't see the end of the page,
but isn't that realism important to the vision i had for it? with lizchat, i was trying
to channel creepypastas and old ghost stories that teeter the line between fiction and
reality, though the "messages" were meant to break that illusion. did i execute that well?

i'm proud of lizchat, but i'm not satisfied yet. i want it to be more, a full-blown ARG.

there's a complication though - i've been considering changing my name to eliza for years.

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you can find me on
twitter, instagram, and li█ch█t
you can also reach me at
mothinfested@gmail.com

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